PRICE TWENTY-FIVE CENTS 




PLAYS FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS ONLY 

J5 CENTS EACH 

T 

CBANFORD DAMES. 2 Scenes; 1^ hours 8 

GERTRUDE MASON, M.D. 1 Act; 30 minutes ...w 7 

CHEERFUL COMPANION. 1 Act; 25 minutes 2 

LESSON IN ELEGANCE. 1 Act; 30 minutes 4 

MAIDENS ALL FORLORN. 3 Acts; 1}4 hours 6 

MURDER WILL OUT. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 

ROMANCE OF PHYLLIS. 3 Acts; V/± hours... 4 

SOCIAL ASPIRATIONS. 1 Act; 45 minutes..... 5 

OUTWITTED. 1 Act; 20 minutes 8 

WHITE DOVE OF ONEIDA. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 4 

8WEET FAMILY. lAct;lhour 8 

BELLES OF BLACKVILLE. 1 Act; 2hours 80 

PRINCESS KIKU. (2 5 cents) 18 

RAINBOW KIMONA. (35 cents.) 2 Acts; V& hours 9 

MERRY OLD MAIDS. (So cents.) Motion Song 11 

PLAYS FOR MALE CHARACTERS ONLY 

J5 CENTS EACH 

x 

APRIL FOOLS. lAct; 80minutes 

BYRD AND HURD. 1 Act; 40 minutes 

DARKEY WOOD DEALER. 1 Act; 20 minutes 

WANTED, A MAHATMA. 1 Act: 30minutes 

HOLY TERROR. 1 Act; 30 minutes. 

MANAGER'S TRIALS. 1 Act; 1 hour 

MEDICA. 1 Act; 35 minutes 

NIGGER NIGHT SCHOOL. 1 Act; 30 minutes 

SLIM JIM AND THE HOODOO. 1 Act; 30 minutes....... 

WANTED. A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. 1 Act; 30 minutes 

SNOBSON'S STAG PARTY. 1 Act; 1 hour. 12 

PICKLES AND TICKLES. 1 Act; 20minutes . 6 

HARVEST STORM. 1 Act; 40 minutes 10 

CASE OF HERR BAR ROOMSKI. Mock Trial; 2 hours.... 28 

DARKEY BREACH OF PROMISE CASE. Mock Trial. 22 

GREAT LIBEL CASE. Mock Trial; 1 Scene; 2 hours 21 

RIDING THE GOAT. Burlesque Initiation; 1 Scene; 1^ hours 24 



\ FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORP'N, 18 Vesey St., N. Y. 



A HUSBAND ON 
SALARY 

A FARCE IN THREE ACTS 

By 
JOSEPH H. SLATER 

Author of 

"Peter Piper's Troubles," "Coon Rehearsal," 
"Mr. Rich From Richmond" 



Copyright, 1918, by 
FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION 



m 



FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION 

Successor to 
DICK & FITZGERALD 

IS Vesev Street New York 



A HUSBAND ON SALARY 



CHARACTERS 

Dionysius Casey Jones. A man of law 

Paul Vernon Poor, but proud 

Simon Trotter Victim of fate, with red hair 

Alice Morley Who has loved and lost 

Philena Bragg A man hater 

Betsy Blotter Not such a fool as she looks 

Note. — Betsy Blotter may be omitted. 

Time. — The present. Locality. — A small city. 
Time of Playing. — Two hours. 

INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES 

Act I. — Letter for Philena. Check book for Simon. 
Letter and watch for Dion. Door bell off stage. 

Act II. — Dog biscuit, cake, letter, note-book and pencil 
for Dion. Pocket-book and check book for Alice. Tin 
box and a stylish suit of clothes for Paul. 

Act III. — Pocket-book for Alice. Evening paper, lot- 
tery ticket and envelope for Simon. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS 

As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audi- 
ence: — R. means right; l., left; c.., center of stage; R. d., 
door at right; l. d., door at left; c. d., door at center; 
cor., corner; Xs., crosses; bus., business. Up, toward 
back of stage ; down, toward footlights. 

2 

DEC -7 1918 

©CI.D 50810 



•Uo 



A HUSBAND ON SALARY 



ACT I 

Scene. — Alice Morley 's sitting-room. Fancy furniture. 
Door at c. Curtains on c. d. Doors r. and l. Table 
down c. Chairs at r. l. and bach of table. Writing 
material and bell on table. Settee down l. Cushion 
on settee. Ladies desk up r., against back wall. 
Six letters tied with a ribbon, and a withered rose 
in desk drawer. DISCOVERED Philena at c. d. 



Philena (speaking off c). Well, you can take it 
right back with Miss Morley 's compliments and tell the 
proprietor it's not a bit like what she ordered, and yon 
needn 't trouble yourself any more about it, for she has 
changed her mind. 

Voice (off stage). All right, ma'am. I hope when 
she changes her mind, she'll get a better one. 

Phil. You run along now and mind your own busi- 
ness, young man, and you may get rich some day. 
(Going c.) Well, really, Miss Morley is almost impos- 
sible to please; she is as changeable as the moon. I 
only wish she 'd marry the young man to whom she 's en- 
gaged, Frederick Everton, before he changes his mind. 
For my part I would like to see her settled down in life 
— at present she is as wild as the proverbial mountain 
goat. (Door bell rings off stage) That's rather a mild 
ring for her. I thought the calm wouldn't last very 
3 



4 A Husband on Salary 

long. (Bell rings loudly) That's more like her temper, 
a little on the order of a cyclone. (Xs l.) 

ENTER Alice Marley, l. d. 

Alice. Really Miss Philena, I don't understand why 
you should annoy me in this way. It is positively cruel 
of you, it's very trying to a sensitive nature like mine. 
Has the mail arrived? 

Phil. He was here and is gone. 

Alice. Who was here ? 

Phil. The male man, most men are of the male gen- 
der, are they not ? 

Alice. You are eternally thinking of men, Philena, 
and for a woman of your age it is very silly to say the 
least. I meant, have any letters arrived by the last mail, 
now do you understand? 

Phil. I haven't seen any. 

Alice. Then why didn 't you say so in the first place ? 

Phil. What is the matter with you to-day, Alice? 
You must have got out of the wrong side of the bed this 
morning. 

Alice. You must bear with me patiently, for I have 
much to anger, to torture, almost to madden me. 

Phil. Oh, yes, I know. 

Alice. And pray what do you know? 

Phil. When I say that I know, I mean that I think 
that I know. 

Alice. Oh, that's a different thing altogether. There 
are quite a number of lunatics in the various asylums 
throughout the country who think they know enough to 
occupy the presidential chair, but the mere fact of them 
thinking so doesn't make it so; some people think that 
the moon is made of green cheese. 

Phil. Then the man in the moon needn't starve. 
(Laughs) 

Alice. Now leave me, I wish to be alone, and if you 
wish to retain youi present position as a member of my 



A Husband on Salary 5 

household, forget all you see or may hear except your 
domestic duties. 

Phil, (xs to r.d.J. Very well, I'll be as silent as a 
graveyard at midnight. 

Alice. One moment, Philena, let me warn you as long 
as you are in my employ never allude to such a grewsome 
subject as graveyards. I know you have a gloomy and 
morbid imagination, but for my sake don't dwell upon 
such topics, they upset my sensitive organization. 

Phil, (aside). Her sensitive organization, indeed, she 
makes me sick. [EXIT r, d. 

Alice. Philena is a good domestic, but has no regard 
for the refined feelings of people of superior rank. Can 
anyone know the depth of my heart's misery? Why 
does not Frederick come? My heart is dreary waiting 
for his coming. Three long weeks, it seems like an eter- 
nity; what else can I think but that he no longer loves 
me. Perhaps even at this moment he is pouring words 
of burning love into another's willing ear. Oh, the mere 
thought is torture to me. (Rises, xs up to desk) Here 
are the letters containing his vows of love, and here's 
the little faded flower, his first gift of Love's young 
dream; then it was fresh and fragrant as our new-born 
love, but now, alas, it's withered and scentless. Is this 
little faded flower a type of my own destiny, I wonder? 
Time alone will tell. 

Phil, (off r. d.). I will not permit it, I must be 
obeyed. 

Alice. Philena is having trouble with the servants. 
She rules them with a rod of iron, she is a sort of do- 
mestic despot. In the kitchen her word is law, her au- 
thority is supreme. 

ENTER, r. d., Philena, leading Simon Trotter. 

Alice. What 's the matter, Philena ? 
Phil. Matter enough, this overgrown booby won't 
keep his fingers out of my preserves. 



6 A Husband on Salary 

Simon. Oh. please, mum, it was the cat, I seed her 
eating it with my own eyes. 

Phil. The cat, indeed ! "Whoever heard of a cat eat- 
ing raspberry jam? 

Simon. Some cats have a very sweet tooth. 

Phil. And I suppose it was the cat who drank half 
the brandy that was in a bottle in the cupboard, eh ? 

Simon. I shouldn't wonder, mum, some cats are very 
high toned in their tastes. 

Phil. Hold your tongue, sir. You ought to be 
ashamed to stand there and lie like that. 

Simon. It's impossible to do it, mum. 

Phil. Impossible to do what? 

Simon. To stand and lie at the same time. 

Alice. Is not this the boy that Mr. Casey Jones 
recommended ? 

Phil. Yes, Miss, he was engaged here as a man of all 
work, but he turns out to be a man of no work at all; 
he's too lazy to carry around his own shadow. 

Simon. It's all because I was born at the wrong time 
of the moon, — you see, mum, the moon was full, and on a 
Sunday, and I was born on the same day. 

Alice. Supposing you were what has all this to do 
with your disinclination to work ? 

Simon. You see, mum, they claim that the moon has 
an influence over our whole lives for good or evil, and 
Sunday being a day of rest, I 'm given to rest ever since. 

Alice (laughing). I presume that you're afflicted 
with what is called "That tired feeling." ( Simon 
sneezes) 

Phil. You ill-mannered clod-hopper, how dare you 
sneeze in the presence of ladies ? 

Simon. I can't help it, mum, 'cause I've got the hay- 
fever. 

Phil. Then I must give you some catnip tea, that's 
a sure cure. 

Simon. No catnip tea for me, I ain't no cat. 

Phil. He's no spring chicken. 

Simon. No, nor I ain't no fall rooster neither. 
(Laughs) 



A Husband on Salary 7 

Alice. Silence, sir, I don't want to hear anything 
about roosters. How old are you, boy? 

Simon. Please, mum, I 'm past sixteen. 

Phil. About four years past I should say, if I 'm any 
judge of human nature. But you can't always tell by 
one's looks. Now some people might judge me to be 
much older than I really am. 

Alice. Oh, not much fear of that, Miss Bragg. 
(Simon laughs and sneezes.) 

Phil. Are you laughing at me, sir ? 

Simon. No mum, it was that hay-fever that tickled 
me so ; you see it sometimes flies to my head. 

Alice (to Simon J. You may go, fool. 

Simon (to Philena,). She says you may go. 

Phil. She was addressing you. 

Simon. Oh! (Starts towards r. t>.) 

Alice. Stay, booby. 

Simon. Now I like that, first she says "Go, fool," 
and then "Stay, booby." Oh, I'll like this place. 

Alice. If a gentleman should call for me this even- 
ing, ascertain his name. 

Simon. I'm to entertain his name. 

Alice. Find out his name first. It may be some per- 
son that I don't wish to see. 

Simon. All right, mum, I'll size him up, and if he 
don't look good to me, I'll give him the joy stare. I'll 
tell him there's nothing doing, and to run along and 
peddle his papers. 

Alice. Leave my presence, idiot. 

Simon. Fool ! booby ! idiot ! Oh, I '11 like the place, I 
know I will. [EXIT r. d. 

Phil. Miss Alice, I wish you would inform the do- 
mestics of your household that I am to be looked up to 
as something more than a dependent. Surely my de- 
votion to your interests demands such a concession, they 
seem to consider me nobody in this house. 

Alice. It is my wish, in fact my command, that they 
should one and all obey you and I shall instruct them to 
do so. I fear we will have to let this boy go. I under- 
stand my lawyer, Mr. Casey Jones, got him out of a 
reform school. 



8 A Husband on Salary 

Phil. Yes, and I don't take any stock in such refor- 
mations; they are like New Year resolutions and last 
about as long. That lawyer may be a smart man in his 
own line of business, but when he turns philanthropist 
and tries to uplift and reform the whole human race, he 
is biting off more than he can chew. 

Alice. Well, I'll inform Mr. Casey Jones when I 
see him that he needn't carry out his philanthropic ex- 
periments at the expense of my domestic happiness. I 've 
no faith in the reformation of juvenile criminals, I 
don't indorse such fantastic theories. ( ENTER, r. d., 
Simon J The easiest way out of this affair is to dis- 
charge the boy. 

Simon. Does that mean I'm to get the bounce? 

Phil. Yes, we can 't have any idle drones in this bee- 
hive. 

Simon. Stung again, out upon the world for mine. 
"Welcome the life of the free and easy hobo. 

Alice. Your patron, Mr. Casey Jones, will soon be 
here and he may be able to procure you another posi- 
tion. 

Simon. Oh, what's the use of anything, nothing. 
(Door bell rings) 

Alice. Go and attend the door. 

Simon. I thought that I was fired. 

Alice. Not for one week yet, that will give you time 
to find another situation. 

Simon. In the poorhouse, what's the use of all that 
trouble ? I '11 only be fired again in another week. What 
shall I tell the parties at the door? 

Alice. If it's a peddler we don't want anything. 
On the other hand, if it's a gentleman, show him up. 

Simon. On the other hand, suppose he's a one-armed 
individual and ain 't got no other hand. 

Phil. Gro to the door, simpleton. 

Simon. I don't care what becomes of me now, but 
every dog has his day. [EXIT c. d. 

Phil. Miss Morley, I will leave you alone to enter- 
tain your visitors, fxs to n. v.) 

Alice. I am expecting my lawyer on important busi- 
ness. 



A Husband on Salary g 

Phil. Very well, I only hope it's not a breach of 
promise case. [EXIT r. d. 

Dionysius (off c. -D.j That's all right, Simple Simon. 
I have a business appointment with Miss Morley, she is 
expecting me. ( ENTER c. dJ Miss Morley, you will 
have to excuse this abrupt entrance. This menial 
wanted my card and tried to obstruct my entrance, so 
I had to resort to physical force and remove the ob- 
stacle. 

Simon. He nearly broke my leg, that 's what he did. 
Dion. Base scullion, you ought to be thankful for 
small favors. 

Simon. You can kick me all you've a mind to. I'm 
the under dog now, but every dog has his day. 

Dion. Well, the dog days will soon be here, you'd 
better look out for the dog catchers and procure a license 
for yourself, Master Simon. ( Simon sneezes ) What the 
devil's the matter with that fellow? 

Alice. He 's suffering from an attack of hay-fever. 
Dion. Then send him out to the hay loft. 
Alice. Simon, leave the room. 

Dion. Yes, Simon, as you consider yourself a mem- 
ber of the canine family, you'd better occupy the dog 
house as a permanent abode in the future. 

Simon. There ain't no use in trying to be anything 

but what you are; if you try to rise, everyone takes a 

kick at you. [EXIT c. d. 

Alice. I must leave you now, Mr. Casey Jones. But 

here comes my aunt, she will entertain you. 

Dion. But, my dear young lady, I had business with 
you. 

Alice. Yes, I am aware of that, but I wish to retire 
for a short time to collect my faculties. I feel that my 
heart is breaking — my heart is breaking. [EXIT l. d. 
Dion. Now that is a most extraordinary proceeding 
to say the least. I come here on a business appointment 
and when I arrive the young lady informs me that her 
heart is breaking. Oh, woman, woman, thou art a puzzle 
and a mystery beyond my comprehension. 



io A Husband on Salary 

ENTER, r. d., Philena. 

Phil. I thought I should find Miss Morley here, I 
have a letter for her. 

Dion. She has been here, but was compelled to re- 
tire owing to a broken heart. 

Phil. Oh, yes, poor trusting soul, she has loved not 
wisely but too well ; she has placed her faith in the most 
treacherous of human beings — a man, and now she is 
suffering the consequences of her folly. You see when 
you rang the door bell she thought it might be her tardy 
lover. 

Dion. Yes, I see. I had the misfortune to be the 
wrong man, but why blame me for the inconstancy of her 
truant lover? 

Phil. Well, you know the old story about woman be- 
ing a riddle. 

Dion. Yes, and I pity the insane individual who 
wastes his time in the vain endeavor to try and solve 
them. 

Phil. Sir, you are not complimentary to our sex. 

Dion. Madam, I am sincere. 

Phil. The confidential friend and adviser of a lady 
might be a little more gallant. 

Dion. I'm a lawyer, Madam, and consequently am 
strictly business. I wish you'd let Miss Morley know 
that I have a letter of great importance to deliver to 
her. 

Phil. Certainly, ring the bell. 

Dion, (aside). Rather cool, I must say, for a servant. 
(Rings hell. Aloud) Excuse the seemingly impertinent 
question, are you Miss Morley 's housekeeper? 

Phil. Sir, don't be insolent. (Turns to l. comer) 

Dion. Phew! a rub against the grain, evidently a 
poor relation. 

ENTER, r. d., Simon. 

Simon. Did you ring, sir? 
Dion. No, I rang. 



A Husband on Salary n 

Simon. Excuse me, I thought you rung. (Sneezes) 

Dion. Convey my compliments to Miss Morley and 
tell her I wish to see her on important business. 

Simon. I'll tell her all right, but she's got a bad 
spell to-day and I like to give her a wide berth. 
(Sneezes) 

Dion. How did you contract the hay-fever? 

Simon. I didn't make no contract for it, I just caught 
it while sucking cider through a straw. 

Phil. And tell Miss Morley to give you my cheque- 
book, as I want to discharge my jewelers' account. 

Simon. So long as you don't discharge me, I don't 
care. [EXIT l. d. 

Phil. To judge from your conversation, Mr. Casey 
Jones, you must be a confirmed woman-hater. 

Dion. Bless you, not at all, Madam. I admire woman- 
kind as an artist would admire a beautiful landscape, 
and distance lends enchantment to the view. 

ENTER, l. d., Simon with cheque-book. 

Simon. Here 's your cheque-book, Ma 'am. ( To Dion. ) 
And Miss Morley says she'll see you shortly if not be- 
fore, sir. (Sneezes) 

Dion. The hay-fever will send you to an early grave, 
Simon, if you don 't look out. 

Simon. I don't care what becomes of me now; there's 
only one thing sure for me and that is a pine box and a 
pauper's grave. 

Dion. That's not a very brilliant prospect to look 
forward to, but cheer up, remember the silver lining 
behind the cloud. 

Simon. But not for me, it would be just my luck for 
the cloud to burst and someone else steal the lining. 

Dion. And to think, it was I who took you out of the 
Orphan Asylum. I feel in a measure responsible for 
your moral conduct and welfare. 

Simon. You're not to blame, sir, neither am I be- 
cause I was born at the wrong time of the moon. 
(Sneezes) 



12 A Husband on Salary 

Phil. You may go, Simon. 

Dion. I 'd advise you to soak your head in something 
hot. 

Simon. I've tried soaking my head but there's noth- 
ing in it. (Sneezes) [EXIT r. d. 

Dion (laughing). He's right, there's nothing in it, 
the boy is a monomaniac on the moon. 

Phil. He's moonstruck. 

Dion. Well, that's not so dangerous as being sun- 
struck. (Looks at watch) I wish Miss Morley would 
hurry up, if she only knew what I had to communicate 
she'd be a little more anxious. fXs up c) 

Phil, (xs r. of table). I understand that your name 
is Dionysius Casey Jones. (Sits) 

Dion, (coming down l.). At your service, Madam. 
(Aside) I wonder what's coming next? 

Phil. My niece informs me 

Dion. I beg your pardon, Madam, your what ? 

Phil. My niece, Miss Morley, informs me that you 
have shown extraordinarily prudent care in the manage- 
ment of her financial affairs. 

Dion. The young lady flatters me. 

Phil. Perhaps she does, that remains to be seen, but 
I'm going to put your business ability to a test, as you 
have the reputation of being a confirmed woman-hater. 

Dion. And I emphatically deny the allegation, on the 
contrary I honor and respect all womankind, but not 
every kind of a woman. 

Phil. I'm glad to hear from your own lips that 
you 're not as black as you are painted. I 'm going to en- 
trust my large property to your management. 

Dion, (aside). I smell a rich client. 

Phil. Before we proceed, what is your opinion re- 
garding matrimony? 

Dion. Candidly speaking, Madam, matrimony is an 
uncertain game at best. It's also a game that two can 
play at, but it should be a square game. Each one should 
play fair and no double dealing. In the game of matri- 
mony there should be honor among gamblers as well as 
. among thieves. 



A Husband on Salary 13 

Phil. My dear sir, I quite agree with you and your 
sentiments upon the subject of matrimony. They do you 
honor and please me beyond expression ; henceforth you 
may consider yourself my legal adviser, and may I also 
add friend ? 

Dion, (coming to l. of table). Oh, Madam, need I 
say that my hand and heart are at your service. 

Phil. Sir 

Dion. I mean professionally, of course. 

Alice ( off stage l. calling). Oh, Aunty ! 

Phil, (rising). My niece is coming from her apart- 
ment, (xs. up lJ I shall withdraw until your business 
with her is completed. (At r. dJ We shall then tran- 
sact our business. 

Dion. Madam, I am yours to command, I shall await 
your return with pleasure. (Xs up c .). 

Phil, (laughing). Mr. Casey Jones, I'm inclined to 
think you are not a woman-hater after all. 

Dion. Madam, the person or persons who circulated 
or invented that falsehood should have been arrested for 
slander and defamation of character. Why, I 'm a regu- 
lar ladies ' man. 

Phil. We shall see, time will tell. [EXIT r. d. 

Dion. Time will tell, now what did she mean by that, 
I wonder ; can she have any designs upon my young and 
tender heart ! By the shade of Jupiter, I predict a rich 
and glorious harvest from this seedsowing. She's rich 
beyond the dreams of avarice, one can easily tell a per- 
son of wealth, her eyes seem to flash diamonds of the first 
water. Truly the possession of wealth gives the possessor 
an air of self-confidence and superiority. (Up l. g.) 

Alice. Mr. Casey Jones, I owe you an apology for 
my thoughtless words and extraordinary conduct a short 
time ago. I was foolishly weak, but I 've had a good cry 
and now I feel better. 

Dion. I'm delighted to hear it. When the heart be- 
comes too full, it overflows at the eyes. 

Alice. Your face is as a book wherein I can read 
strange matters. What is the nature of this important 
news you bear? 



14 A Husband on Salary 

Dion. Yes, I bring you startling intelligence from one 
you love or have loved. 

Alice. You bear a message from him? Then tell it 
to me quickly — quickly I say. 

Dion. I regret to be the innocent bearer of bad news, 
but you must learn the truth sooner or later. Your late 
Jover, Frederick A. Frost 

Alice. Some terrible calamity has befallen him, say 
he is not dead? 

Dion. In the words of the immortal Laura Jean 
Slobby, ' ' He is dead to you forever. ' ' 

Alice. What do you mean ? 

Dion. I mean that your faithless Freddie Frost has 
gone the way of all fools ; he has married another. 

Alice. Married another ! Oh, this is more than I can 
bear. (Falls into Diqnysius' arms) 

Dion (struggling to support Tier). Yes, and damn it, 
this is more than / can bear. 

ENTEE, e. d., Simon and Philena for picture. 

Curtain 

ACT II 

Scene. — Same as Act I. DISCOVERED, Alice pacing 
up and down. Dionysius down l. 

Alice. Oh, can this be true, or is it all a fearful 
dream ? 

Dion. Young lady, I'ma practical man and a lawyer 
and not addicted to day dreams or pipe dreams. If you 
doubt me, here are the proofs. (Takes dog biscuit from 
Ms pocket) No, no, that's some dog biscuit for little 
Fido, who is suffering from tonsilitis. (Takes cake out 
of other pocket) Here is the wedding cake ; have a piece. 

Alice. Never ! it would poison me. 

Dion. Pardon me, I thought you might like to put a 
piece under your pillow to dream of your next lover. 
There's always sure to be a next you know. 



A Husband on Salary 15 

Alice. Never, not in my case at least ; man is a most 
deceitful monster. 

Dion. I quite agree with you in the main, the Good 
Book says, ' ' All men are liars, ' ' but it does not mention 
lawyers. 

Alice. Because it was not necessary, I suppose. 

Dion. Thanks, most men have accommodating hearts ; 
they love much and love many. (Taking out letter) 
Yes, here is the fatal letter which he gave me to deliver 
to you. 

Alice (takes letter, examines it). Yes, it's only too 
true. The bolt has fallen. 

Dion. A thunder-bolt I should call it. 

Alice. This is no time for idle tears. 

Dion. Certainly not, it would be lavish waste of salt 
water. 

Alice. Revenge is sweet, ha, ha! 

Dion. So is molasses, ho, ho ! But let your revenge 
take the form of legal proceedings, strike at his pocket- 
book. You are sure to recover heavy damages if you 
retain me as your legal adviser. You have all his love 
letters, I presume? 

Alice. I have them all in my possession. 

Dion. That's a great point in our favor, possession 
is nine points at law. Letters full of soft nothings and 
sentimental gush, delightful reading for a hungry and 
curious public and a matter-of-fact judge and jury. 

Alice. I must strike at' his heart. 

Dion. What's the matter with his pocket-book? 

Alice. There's nothing in it. 

Dion. "When shall we commence legal proceedings? 

Alice. Never ! 

Dion. Never, that 's an early date. 

Alice. My heart is shattered. 

Dion. Well, we may yet save the pieces. 

Alice. Henceforth, the world to me is but a blank; 
a melancholy blank. 

Dion. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come; never de- 
spair, some people think that when it rains the sun will 
never shine again. 



1 6 A Husband on Salary 

Alice. I have too much pride for tears ; but they flow 
inwardly, upon a heart whose fires are quenched for- 
ever. (Paces up and down stage) 

Dion. Then what a shameful waste of time it would 
be to play the hose upon the ashes of a dead love. As 
our friend William Shakespeare says, "Things without 
remedy, should be without regret, ' ' in common language, 
"Forget it." Let us meet the inevitable with a smiling 
face. 

Alice. Yes, I will even laugh. (Hysterical laugh) 
Ha! Ha! Ha! 

Dion. That's right, let us laugh together. (Comedy 
laugh. Aside) Love has set her clear crazy; another 
case of poor Ophelia in "Hamlet. " 

Alice (sits at table). But my heart is bowed down 
with grief and woe. 

Dion, (sings). "The heart bowed down with weight 
of woe, to weakest hopes will cling. ' ' 
Alice (rising). Enough! 

Dion. I thought it would be, nobody ever listens to 
my singing very long without making the same remark ; 
but now we must come to facts, and facts are stubborn 
things. 

Alice. I need sympathy and revenge. 
Dion. Young lady, sympathy is not part of a lawyer's 
stool in trade ; as a substantial meal-ticket, it's a failure. 
Alice. Then, Mr. Casey Jones, proceed with your 
advice. (Sits R. of table) I'm all attention, I want to 
make this faithless wretch pay dearly for his treachery. 
Dion. Oh, he'll pay dearly all right when the law- 
yers get hold of him. (Sits l. of table. Takes out note- 
book and pencil) Now let us get down to facts. The 
real state of the case is this, the firm of Cupid and Co. 
is burned out, and you hold no insurance upon the prem- 
ises. 

Alice (rises). It's worse than cruel of you to jest at 
my misfortune, be so good as to look over the papers 
concerning the estate and then leave me alone with my 
own sad thoughts, fxs up l. corner) I may be able to 



A Husband on Salary 17 

find a way out of this difficulty without having to go to 
law. I hate the publicity that attends lawsuits. 

Dion, (rises). Very well, Miss Morley, I shall respect 
your wishes. You are the doctor and I 'm the lawyer. I 
shall send over the papers relating to' the estate im- 
mediately, fxs up c.) And I'll return shortly to make 
the necessary preparation for final settlement. Good 
day, Miss Morley. [EXIT c. d. 

Alice. Oh, Frederick, Freddie, how could you be so 
false to me. Let me once more read his shameful flimsy 
excuse for breaking our engagement. (Sits l. of table, 
reads letter) "There is that within me which prevents 
me from becoming the slave of any woman. I feel con- 
vinced that our union would only result in misery for us 
both. In marrying another I am simply following the 
dictates of my own heart, which tell me that I have at 
last found my affinity. Yours, Frederick Frost." Ah, 
Mr. Frost, you have given me the icy shake, but I'll 
teach you that you can't freeze me out with impunity. 
I '11 be revenged not only on him alone, but upon all his 
detested sex. I'll marry the first man I meet and I'll 
make his life miserable by punishing him for the perfidy 
of his whole sex. I will have a husband. I'll purchase 
one, if necessary, I'll find some mercenary wretch who 
will sell his soul and his freedom for money, and I will 
become his master, no matter what or who he may be. 
I must loathe, despise and punish him, he must suffer 
. for the heartless conduct of Fred. Frost. ( Bell rings off 

L.J [EXIT L. D. 

Simon (off c.J. This way, sir. ('ENTER c. d., snow- 
ing in Paul Vernon* ivho carries large tin box) I'll 
tell Miss Morley you are here and she may see you, that 
is if she don't tell me she is out. What name shall I 
' say? 

Paul. No name, just tell her a person with despatches 
from her lawyer, no doubt she will see me. (Places box 
on table R.J 

Simon. You can 't tell a thing about a female woman, 
sir, no indeed! She may have been born at the wrong 
time of the moon. Do you believe in the moon and 
stars ? 



1 8 A Husband on Salary 

Paul. My friend, this is a world of mystery. There 
may be such a thing as planetary influence ; but just at 
present I don't care what happens in the moon or stars, 
or the inhabitants of Mars. My motto is "One world 
at a time. Sufficient for the day is the evil thereof. ' ' 

Simon. I see you believe in looking out for number 
one. 

Paul. Yes, while we are here we must fight the bat- 
tle of life or fall by the wayside. 

Simon. You don't look prosperous. 

Paul. I don't feel prosperous. 

Simon. Then you, too, must have been born at the 
wrong time of the moon. I was, for I first saw the light 
of day in the poorhouse. 

Paul. We know what we are, but we know not what 
we may become. You began life in the poorhouse, I may 
end it in the same place, it's only a matter of time. 

Simon. You needn't do any such a thing. You have 
many things in your favor that should win out in the 
race of life, while I'm handicapped with a homely face 
and red hair. On the other hand you're young and 
good looking, you should marry a wealthy wife — take a 
fool's advice, marry for money, that's your only hope. 

Paul. Thanks for the suggestion ; if I should find a 
wealthy young woman who wants to throw herself away, 
I'll follow your advice . Now tell Miss Morley I wish 
to see her. I have received orders to deliver this box 
into her own hands. ( Bell rings off c. dJ 

Simon. Hang that bell, I'd like to twist its tongue 
out. I'll have to answer that bell first or they'll have 
a fit. [EXIT c. d. 

Paul. A strange character truly, one more unfor- 
tunate traveler on Life's highway. I am on the brink 
of despair, a single twenty-five-cent piece between me 
and abject poverty. They say that every cloud has a 
silver lining and that opportunity knocks at every man's 
door once in his life. If she ever knocked at my door 
I wasn't at home. (Xes up to c. d.J 



A Husband on Salary 19 

ENTER, c. d., Alice, xing l., not seeing Paul wlio is 
' partly concealed by curtains at c. d. 

Alice. Yes, my mind is made up. I care not who or 
what the man is 

Paul (going forward). I beg pardon, have I the 
honor of addressing Miss Morley? 

Alice. Yes, sir, what do you want? 

Paul (indicates box on table). I was instructed by 
Mr. Casey Jones to deliver this box to you in person. 

Alice. Oh, yes, my lawyer. It contains important 
papers. ^Xes to table) 

Paul. And having discharged my errand I shall go. 
(Starts up c.) 

Alice. Stay one moment; the laborer is worthy of 
his hire. (Produces pocketbook) 

Paul. I have been paid by the lawyer, Madam. 

Alice. I wish to speak with you. 

Paul (comes c). I am at your service. 

Alice. Bring that chair down here. ^Paul brings 
chair from up stage and places it c.) Now bring an- 
other and place it there. 

Paul (aside). I wonder if she's a Spirit Medium 
and is going to hold a private seance. 

Alice (aside). It's too bad that he should be made 
to suffer for the sins of Frost, but he's a man, one of 
the hated sex, and that's enough for my purpose. The 
fates will that this man shall be my victim. 

Paul (places cliair l. c). There you are, Madam, 
and now good day. (Starts) 

Alice. Stay, sit down. 

Paul. Madam, I don't understand. 

Alice. I know you don't. But you will, don't you 
hear me? 

Paul. Certainly. 

Alice. Then obey me, sit down. 

Paul (aside). Perhaps I've struck a private lunatic 
asylum. I'd better humor her. (Coming c, sits l. of 
Alice J 

Alice. No doubt you may think me demented by 
what I 've said and done, but never mind that, a greater 



20 A Husband on Salary 

surprise is in store for you. I should judge by your 
appearance and occupation that you are a poor man. 

Paul. Yes, Madam, I am not ashamed to acknowl- 
edge that I'm a very poor man, but that's not my fault, 
it is my misfortune. 

Alice. Perhaps so, but on the other hand a man is 
foolish to suffer all the bitter pangs of poverty if he 
can find a remedy. 

Paul. Quite true, but to find the remedy is a dif- 
ficult problem. 

Alice. Don't you know that some poet says: "For 
every evil under the sun, there is a remedy or there is 
none. If there is one try and find it, if there is not, 
why never mind it"? You are very poor, so much the 
better. 

Paul (rising). Madam, you are jesting at my pov- 
erty. 

Alice. Sit down, most young men would be glad of 
the chance to be entertained by a young lady. 

Paul. But this is rather unusual, upon such a short 
acquaintance. 

Alice. I know it is. But never mind, sit down. 
(Paul sits) That's more sensible and more sociable. 
You say you are very poor. 

Paul. Miserably poor, through no fault of mine. 
This world has never given me a fighting chance. 

Alice. No doubt, it's all nonsense about merit and 
worth winning out in the battle of life. Cunning and 
craft and graft succeed more often. But now to busi- 
ness ; how would you like to be a rich man, — a very rich 
man? 

Paul. Madam ! 

Alice. Did you not hear my question? How would 
you like to become a very rich man? 

Paul. I did hear you, Madam, but scarcely know 
which to doubt my senses or your sanity. 

Alice. You can answer my question, I presume. 

Paul. I could, Madam, if I only knew what mean- 
ing to attach to your question, whether to construe it as 



A Husband on Salary 21 

a jest or an insult to my poverty, and your wish to 
amuse yourself at my expense. Excuse me, Madam, I 
must go. (Rises) 

Alice (detaining Mm). No, you must stay. I insist 
upon it. You misunderstand me. I didn't mean it as a 
jest or an insult. I am in earnest I assure you. I am in 
a strange predicament just now. 

Paul. So am I. 

Alice. I am very wealthy, but still unhappy. 

Paul. Quite a common occurrence, but most people 
are the cause of their own unhappiness. 

Alice. That's not so in my case; however, it is not 
of that I wish to speak to you. But, before making 
this strange proposal, I must ascertain if you are a 
married man. 

Paul. Madam, I am a single man, I don't want any 
human creature to share my lot and suffer on my 
account. 

Alice. That is noble of you, Mr.— ? Mr. ? By 

the way, I have not as yet learned your name. 

Paul. My name is Paul Vernon. 

Alice. Paul Vernon is a very pretty name. Well, 
Paul, I perceive that though you are poor you are a 
gentleman in heart and soul. I am going to give you a 
chance to better your condition. 

Paul. I would gladly welcome any change that 
would improve my present condition. 

Alice. Spoken like a sensible man. Now do not 
speak, but listen to me. (Rises, xes up stage) I may 
surprise you. 

Paul (aside). I think not. The poor creature must 
be insane. She ought to be in a sanatarium. 

Alice (sits as before). I have told you that it is in 
my power to bestow upon you wealth and station. Do 
you understand, or must I explain further ? 

Paul. I would rather you would explain. Why 
should you bestow upon me, an utter stranger, so much 
wealth. If you want me to commit a crime to obtain 
this wealth you are mistaken in your man, Madam. 
(Rises) 



22 A Husband on Salary 

Alice (detains ~him). Stay and listen to my proposal 
— a strange proposal, as I have said before, but the end 
justifies the means. I don't want you to become a 
criminal, I only ask you to be my husband. 

Paul. Madam, as I have told you before, I am poor, 
miserably poor, but I possess that which in my opinion 
far outweighs ill-gotten wealth and base-bought station, 
and that is the honor of a man. I think I do under- 
stand you now. No, Madam, my own poverty is hard 
enough, but I'd rather bear even that than the burden 
of a fine lady's shame. (Rises) 

Alice. How dare you, Sir ! Insolent, begone ! 
(Aside) No, if I send him away under a wrong im- 
pression he may think that which he has called me. I 
must explain all. (Aloud) Stay, Sir. I will not have 
you leave me under the false impression that I am the 
base creature you have insinuated. You boast of being 
a man of honor. Then I shall put you to the test. 
Listen to my story and then you are at liberty to accept 
or reject my proposal as you deem proper but do not 
condemn me unheard, I ask you as a man of honor. 

Paul. I shall listen to your story. Proceed. 

Alice. I am neither a fool nor a maniac, as you 
might suppose from my abrupt proposal of marriage. 
I am only a deeply wronged and broken-hearted woman 
who has loved not wisely but too well. 

Paul. A very common occurrence, Madam, but why 
hold me responsible for the sins of my fellow-man. 

Alice. He who sought my hand and fortune and 
whom I loved from girlhood has proven false to his vows. 
He has cruelly jilted me and married another. Now my 
soul burns to be revenged upon the perfidious wretch 
and all his hated sex. 

Paul. And you would make me the instrument of 
your revenge? 

Alice. Hear me out. The very name of man is hate- 
ful to me. I shall never take upon myself the duties of 
a wife. It is for this that I resolved to marry the first 
individual I met if he would accept me. 



A Husband on Salary 23 

Paul. And you intend to make me the unfortunate 
victim. 

Alice. Why call yourself unfortunate? You are 
poor. Is it not something to be raised from abject 
poverty to the height of luxury? In the eyes of the 
world you will be a husband, but in reality you'll be a 
husband in name only, for you must bind yourself by a 
most solemn contract never to be more to me than you 
are at the present moment. Now I presume you thor- 
oughly understand me and so I shall leave you. (Rises) 
If you think favorably of my matrimonial proposition, 
I expect to find you here upon my return ; if not, go on 
your way rejoicing and forget all that you have seen or 
heard. (Xes to r. dJ On the other hand, if you agree 
to my terms you shall want for nothing, but remember, 
you are to be " A Husband in Name Only. ' ' 

[EXIT r. d. * 

Paul. A husband in name only. I wonder if this is 
not all a dream and this young lady is a maniac and 
suffering from some form of diseased brain. There is 
but one manly course for me to pursue and that is to 
leave this place at once ; my honor demands it and yet, 
what a priceless treasure the real love of such a woman 
would be ! But pshaw ! why do I linger here ? ( Xes to 
c. dJ She is now in the frenzy of her disappointment 
and yet if I could only win her love by the merest 
chance it would be worth living for. A wise man has 
said, "In the bright lexicon of youth there is no such 
word as fail. ' ' Come what may I will embrace it. It is 
my fate. She is here. 

ENTER, r. d., Alice. 

Alice. Well, Sir? 

Paul. Madam, I will spare you the mortification of 
a question. I am ready to accept your proposition, 
although the conditions are repugnant to my sense of 
honor and self-respect. " 'Tis my poverty, but not my 
will, consents." 

Alice. It's immaterial to me as long as you consent. 
("Xes to table) Your name is 



24 A Husband on Salary 

Paul. Paul Vernon, and it's the first time in my 
life that I blush to hear it uttered. 

Alice. Your sensitive feelings are a matter of the 
most perfect indifference to me. (Placing cheque on 
table) You will there find the first installment of your 
salary. 

Paul. Salary? 

Alice. Yes, of course. That is the position you are 
to occupy in this household, that of "A Husband on 
Salary." Kemember I retain and pay you as I would 
any other of my hired servants and also bear in mind 
that upon the slightest breach of this contract on your 
part I shall restore you to your former state of wretched 
poverty. You must purchase clothes more suitable for 
the position you are about to occupy. Go now and 
return as quickly as you can. (Xes to sofa, d.) 

Paul ( xes up to c. d. Aside). A kind of desperation 
urges me through this shameless bargaining of soul and 
manhood. (Aloud) Madam, your most obedient and 
very humble servant husband. [EXIT c. d. 

Alice fxES lJ Paul Vernon! I am glad the crea- 
ture has a name I need not be ashamed to hear pro- 
nounced. He's good-looking enough to hand me to my 
carriage, carry my cloak, and wring the heart of him, 
the false — the vile — monster who left me for another. 
ENTER, c. d., Dionysius. 

Dion. "Well, Miss Morley, here I am again, as the 
clown says in the circus. I sent the box over with a 
trustworthy man. I see you have received it all right. 
Now to examine the precious documents. ("Xes to end 
of table) 

Alice. Never mind that now. I have changed my 
mind. I require your legal services for another pur- 
pose. 

Dion. In what way, may I ask? 

Alice. Simply this, I am about to be married. 

Dion. Married! After such a Providential escape! 
Lunatic asylums are very useful institutions after all. 
You'll excuse the remark. 



A Husband on Salary 25 

Alice. I don't wish you even to question the mo- 
tives which prompt me in this matter. 

Dion. Certainly not; my motto is, ''Say nothin' but 
saw wood ! " I am here to obey, not to question or com- 
mand. Proceed. 

Alice. I am of legal age and mistress of my own 
actions. 

Dion. Certainly, my dear young lady; fashion the 
knot to suit yourself. It's nothing to me whom you 
marry; you are at liberty to sign your own death war- 
rant, if you choose. I'll officiate as chief executioner — 
it's your funeral — I mean your wedding. 

Alice (rings hell). I am going out to send a tele- 
gram. I'll return in five minutes. Wait for me in the 
library. 

ENTER, c. d., Simon. 

Simon. Did you ring, Miss? 

Alice. Yes, take this box into the library. 

[EXIT c. d. 

Simon (xes to table for box). Mr. Lawyer, I was 
coming to you with a message from the old lady. 

Dion. Do you mean Miss Philena, spinster. 

Simon. I don't know what her politics are, but she 
wants to see you before you go. She has something 
important to consult you about; she said something 
about making her will. She ain't going to die, is she? 

Dion. I hope not. It's a customary practice for 
people of great wealth to make their will every few 
years; it creates business for the lawyers, you under- 
stand. 

Simon. Mr. Casey Jones, if she should be leaving 
any of her loose change to the servants, just put in a 
good word for me and Betsy Blotter, won't you? 

Dion. I shall not forget you, never fear ( Xes to c. d.) 
and I shouldn't be surprised if some day Betsy Blotter 
would blot out the Blotter and change to Trotter. 
(Looks at watcli) If Miss Morley should return before 
I get back tell her that I sha'n't be long. I can't afford 
to wait. A lawyer's time is money. [EXIT c. d. 

Simon. That lawyer is a smart one, all right. He 



26 A Husband on Salary 

must have been born at the rising of the moon or when 
it was full. There ain't no use in trying to be any- 
thing but what you are. If you do you'll end up by 
being a darn sight less than nothing at all. We all can 't 
be at the top of the heap ; someone has got to be the 
under-dog and I guess I'm elected all right. 
ENTER Betsy, r. d. 

Betsy. Hello, Simon, what are you calling yourself 
a dog for? 

Simon. Because I lead a dog's life, that's why. 

Betsy. Well, in that case, you have no kick coming. 
If you're a dog it's quite natural that you should lead 
a dog's life. 

Simon. Did you hear the latest? 

Betsy. The latest in what? The style of hats or 
hobble skirts? 

Simon. No, Miss Philena Bragg is going to make 
her will. 

Betsy. Will? We needn't worry about that. It 
won't make us any richer. 

Simon. You can't tell, she may open her heart. 

Betsy. Yes, but she'll close it again before she gives 
us anything. I know what she'll leave us. 

Simon. What, her blessing? 

Betsy. No, the old stub pen she makes her will with. 

Simon. I don't care what kind of pen she leaves us 
as long as I have my own blotter. (Embraces Betsy,) 
ENTER, r. d., Philena, sees tliem. 

Phil. That 's pretty work I must say. Betsy Blotter, 
I 'm ashamed of you, — in the arms of a vile man 

Betsy fxES to l. corner). I couldn't help it, Ma'am. 
I didn't know he was going to hug me like a grizzly 
bear. 

Phil. And you, you booby, what have you to say 
for yourself? I suppose you'll offer the same old ex- 
cuse : "It was all the woman 's fault. • ' 

Simon (at r. corner). No, Ma'am, but Fve got St. 
Vitus dance and when I feel it coming on I've got to 
hold on to something or somebody. 



A Husband on Salary 27 

Phil. St. Vitus dance, indeed ; the last time I caught 
you, you said it was ' ' Turkey in the Straw " or " Turkey 
Trot ' ' or some such dance. Attend to work if you have 
anything to do. 

Simon (taking box from table). Yes, Ma'am. I'm 
going to take this box into the library and that's what 
I'm going to do right now. [EXIT r. d. 

Phil. And you, Miss. I've a great mind to have 
you discharged. I '11 overlook your offense this time ? but 
never let me catch you embracing a vile man again. 

Betsy (aside). Jealous old thing. She can't get any- 
one to make love to her and she won't let anyone else 
enjoy themselves; she's a regular dog in the manger, 
she is. [EXIT r. d. 

Phil. Impudent hussy, I'd like to discharge her, 
only 'tis so hard to find reliable help. (Xes l.J 
ENTER Dionysius, c. d. 

Dion. Madam, I've returned to transact some legal 
business for Miss Morley. 

Phil. She has not yet returned. In the meantime, I 
want you to draw up my will, and do not question me 
if some of the bequests may seem rather peculiar. 

Dion. My dear lady, a lawyer who knows his business 
and wishes to retain the respect and confidence of his 
clients discharges his legal duties quietly, expeditiously, 
and faithfully. 

Phil. As I am suffering from a slight attack of 
rheumatism would you kindly assist me to that chair ? 

Dion. Certainly, Madam, who can refuse the fair? 
(Assists Tier to chair l. of table, places sofa cushion 
under Tier head) 

Phil. Thank you very much; you are very consid- 
erate. You would make a good husband for some poor 
woman. 

Dion. Why not for a rich woman just as well? 
Phil. Well, then, for any woman, be she rich or poor. 
(Smiles) Will that suit you, Mr. Lawyer? 

Dion, (sits at upper end of table, takes pen, etc.) I 
Now then, Madam, I am ready to proceed if you are. 
Phil. You will understand what I require of you? 



28 A Husband on Salary 

Make an abstract of my will or make a memorandum of 
the items and draw up the will at your leisure. 

Dion. That's a capital idea, Madam, as I have an 
engagement with Miss Morley in a short time. Proceed 
if you please. 

Phil. First, to my niece, Alice Morley, she having 
a handsome fortune of her own, I bequeath the sum 
of $5,000. 

Dion. $5,000 to your niece is correct, Madam. 

Phil. To the society for the relief of homeless hoboes, 
$5,000. 

Dion, (aside). Happy hoboes ! I wish I was a hobo. 

Phil. To the Society for the Preservation of the 
Domestic House Sparrow, $20,000. 

Dion, (aside). Oh, this is outrageous. (Aloud) 
Madam, allow me to remark that the common house- 
sparrow is not a noble bird of freedom, but a veritable 
nuisance, and should be exterminated instead of pre- 
served. 

Phil. This is my wealth, Sir, and I shall dispose of 
it as I wish without any comments or suggestions from 
you. Proceed in silence or I will employ another 
lawyer. 

Dion. Excuse me for the remarks. I shall not ques- 
tion any further if you leave your entire wealth to the 
man in the moon. 

Phil. For the establishment of a Free Eural Delivery 
amongst the Philippines 

Dion. But, my dear Madam, are you not aware that 
the Filipinos are but semi-savages and couldn't 
realize the benefit of the Rural Free Delivery. In fact, 
they can neither read nor write, consequently the Rural 
Free Delivery would have nothing to deliver. 

Phil. Sir, you forget your promise not to interrupt 
or suggest, but to obey. Now comes my last bequest for 
the benefit of feeble-minded lawyers, $10. 

Dion. Ten dollars for such a worthy object! I'm 
astonished at such generosity. 

Phil. That is all; now lead me to the door. 



A Husband on Salary 29 

Dion. With the greatest pleasure, Madam. (Leads 
Iter to l. d.) 

Phil. I shall see you soon again, Mr. Casey Jones. 

Dion. Delighted, I am sure. It can't be too soon, 
my dear Miss Philena. (Philena smiles and EXITS, 
l. d.) She is as rich as a gold mine and I think she's a 
little bit stuck on my* shape. I must brace up a little 
as to my personal appearance. I've been underestimat- 
ing my accomplishments and fascinating charms, but 
now I'm beginning to realize that I'm a regular lady- 
killer. 

ENTER Alice, c. d. 

Alice. Now, Mr. Lawyer, I hope I haven't kept you 
waiting too long. (Xes to table) 

Dion. Oh, yes, concerning the disposition of your 
property. 

Alice. No, concerning a matter of my heart. 

Dion. Your heart ? What 's the matter with that deli- 
cate piece of human mechanism? Doesn't it beat regu- 
larly? If so you had better consult a doctor, not a 
lawyer. When hearts are trumps count me out of the 
game, unless there's a breach of promise suit in sight. 

Alice (sits r. of table). In plain language, and not 
to waste your time and mine, I am going to marry a 
man. 

Dion. Quite natural that, being a woman, you should 
marry a man; most married women have men for their 
husbands. 

Alice. But that man is not going to be my husband. 

Dion. Madam, for my especial benefit, would you 
kindly repeat that last remark? 

Alice. I repeat, he shall be my husband in name 
only. He is going to be the most miserable human 
being that ever wore the bonds of wedlock, for he will 
be only a woman's slave. 

Dion. A charming prospect for an able-bodied mar- 
ried man. Might I ask if this unfortunate is wealthy 
or otherwise? 

Alice. No, I'm happy to say he is a pauper, but 
it serves my purpose to keep him poor; his poverty 



30 A Husband on Salary 

gives me absolute power to keep him in subjection. 

Dion. Like poor old Uncle Tom, you own him body 
and soul. He can have the job, I don't envy him. 

Simon (off c. d.). Mr. Paul Vernon. 

Dion. Paul Vernon, who is he? 

Alice. My husband that is to be. Have you the con- 
tract ready? ^Xes r. of table) 

Dion. Yes, but I must protest against it. ( Xes to l. 
corner) 

Alice. Your protestations are useless. It's my will, 
and that ought to be sufficient. 

ENTER, c. d., Paul, elegantly dressed. 

Paul. Madam, I am at your service. (Bows) 

Alice. My solicitor, Mr. Casey Jones; this is the 
gentleman of whom I spoke, Mr. Paul Vernon. 

Dion. Yes, of course, why bless me! it's the same 
individual who carried the box over. 

Paul. The same, sir, for the modest sum of twenty- 
five cents. I wanted the money. Honest labor is not 
degrading. 

Dion. Certainly not, but allow me to remark that 
your personal appearance is somewhat improved. 

Alice. Yes, the fates have been kind enough to pro- 
vide him with a wealthy bride. This is a portion of 
his wedding dowry. (Laughs) 

Dion. You don't mean to say that this is the man 
whom you are about to marry? 

Alice. The same, and I don't want to hear one word 
of objection from anyone. He is the man of my choice, 
that's enough. We shall require witnesses, I presume. 
(Rings bell) 

Dion. Yes, we had better have two witnesses to the 
execution, excuse me, I mean the ceremony. 
ENTER Simon, r. d. 

Alice. Trotter, tell Miss Bragg and Betsy Blotter 
to come here at once. 

Simon. There 's going to be some doings in this house. 
(Sings) "Here conies the bride."' [EXIT r. d. 

Dion, (aside, in l. comer). He's a fine looking fellow 



A Husband on Salary 31 

to be made a woman's slave. Hang me if I don't give 
him a chance for his life and liberty. This is too much 
of a sacrifice even for the sake of lovely woman. 
ENTER Betsy, r. d. 

Betsy. Did you ring, Miss? 

Alice. Yes, remain here a moment. (ENTER 
Philena at r. d., followed by Simon. Alice r. of table) 
Now let us proceed, Mr. Lawyer. 

Dion. (Xes to end of table, unfolds contract. Bus. 
preparing pen, ink, etc.). Now, Mr. Vernon, you being 
the first victim, I mean you being party of the first 
part, please affix your signature. (Positions of charac- 
ters, Alice r. of table; Dionysius at upper end of table; 
Philena l. c. ; Simon and Betsy up stage c. ; Paul xes 
to table takes up pen) One moment, I think it only my 
duty as a legal practitioner and an honest man to warn 
you of the serious nature of the step you are about to 
take. Do you know the absurd — I mean the conditions 
of the contract you are about to sign ? 

Paul. Perfectly. 

Dion. Are you sure? Shall I read them to you? 

Paul. It isn 't necessary. The lady has told me and 
I have agreed to the conditions, no matter what the 
results may be. 

Dion. You have? Well, the only answer I have to 
give is that all the fools are not dead yet, so go ahead 
and sign away your freedom. (Paul takes pen in Jiand, 
pauses) 

Alice (aside). Oh, Heavens ! He cannot write ; what 
a mortification! 

Paul (signs). The Rubicon is passed, whether fcr 
good or evil (Xes to l. cor.) 

Dion. A fine flowing hand. 

Simon (aside). That's the kind of hand I write. It 
flows all over the paper. 

Betsy. Shut up ; don 't you know this is a wedding ? 

Simon. It looks more like a funeral. Where's the 
wedding ring? I say, Betsy, am I going to be the best 
man? 

Betsy. Hush up! 



32 A Husband on Salary 

Dion. Now, Miss Morley, you are next. 

Simon (aside). Yes, and I'm dead next. 

Dion. Let me entreat you to pause, while there's yet 
time. 

Alice (taking pen quickly). Let this be my answer. 
(Signs) 

Dion. Now for the witnesses. 

Simon. That's me. (Goesc.) Let me make my cross, 
Mr. Lawyer. 

Dion. No, you cross right back to where you came 
from and stay there. 

Betsy (laughing). You walked right down, turned 
around, and walked right back again. 

Simon. Stung! by the bees. (Xes up g.) 

Dion. Now Miss Philena Bragg will please sign? 

Phil. fxiNG to table). Oh, dear me! what a lot of 
unnecessary fuss to make about a wedding contract. I 
always did hate legal formalities. (Signs) It seems 
like signing one's death warrant. (Bus.) There, I hope 
that is the end. ^Xes back u) 

Dion. Now, Betsy Blotter, 1 suppose you know how 
to write? 

Betsy (xes to table). Yes, sir, and what's better 
more, I can read my own handwriting. 

Simon. That's more than I can do. 

Dion. Then sign here. 

Simon (goes down, looks over Betsey's shoulder). 
Say, Mister Lawyer, what's it you want her to sign? 
A dog license? (All laugTi) 

Dion. No, a meal ticket. 

Simon. Oh Lor', Betsy, you must have learned to 
write in a Chinese laundry. 

Dion. Thanks, Miss Betsy, now you may retire. 

Simon. I guess that means for us to get out. ^Xes 
up stage to c.) 

Dion. I ask again, and for the last time, is there any 
person present who may wish to have me read the con- 
tents of this paper? 

Simon. Yes, sir. If it's a meal ticket, I want to 
know if I can get a Chop Suey on it. 



A Husband on Salary 33 

Alice. Leave the room. 

Simon. Yes'm. Come along, Betsy, but I'd like to 
kiss the bride afore I go. 

Betsy. Simon, never mind, you can kiss me when we 
get spliced. [EXIT Simon and Betsy, r. d. 

Dion. It's quite evident that no one wishes to hear 
the contents, although it's neither good law nor common 
sense to sign any document without a knowledge of its 
contents. It only remains to name the day for the inter- 
esting ceremony. 

Alice. One week from to-day will suit me. (Xes 
up c.) And now you'll have to excuse me. This ex- 
citement has given me a most violent headache. (Xes 
to l. d. To Paul J Can I rely upon you, sir? 

Paul. Madam, come what may, I shall be here at the 
appointed time. I give my word. Adieu. [EXIT c. d. 

Dion. Miss Morley, there's something noble in that 
man's nature after all; don't you think so? 

Alice. I can't think just now because my head hurts 
me so. [EXITS l. d. 

Dion. A very common complaint. I know a great 
many people who can't think because their heads hurt 
them. 

Phil, (seated h.) Between our heads and our hearts, 
we poor women have a hard time of it. Ah, me! 

Dion. The old lady is becoming sentimental. 
(Aside) I must strike while the iron is hot and she's 
wealthy. (Going down l.J Miss Bragg, the immortal 
Shakespeare says^ " There is a tide in the affairs of men, 
when taken at the flood, leads on to fortune." Now 
my tide has just come in and brought you in it. As a 
business man I'll come to the point at once. Your 
niece is to be married this day week, suppose we make 
it a double marriage? 

Phil, (rising). But I don't want a husband "in name 
only." 

Dion. I'll be a different brand, I assure you. I'll 
be the genuine article. By the way, I believe you said 
vou had a fortune of $50,000. 



34 A Husband on Salary 

Phil. Oh, not quite that amount after all I have 
given to charity. I understand your scheme. You want 
to marry me for my money? 

Dion. Oh, filthy lucre, no ! Perish the thought ! 

Phil. Eiches have wings. 

Dion. Perhaps so, but that's no reason you should 
throw money to the birds, the house-sparrow, for in- 
stance. Philena, before you give all your money to the 
Filipinos and the hoboes, promise me that you'll be . 
mine. Charity begins at home. 

Phil. One week from to-day I'll be your blushing 
bride. 

Dion (embracing Philena ). Then be a life partner 
in the firm of Casey Jones & Co. 

ENTER Betsy and Simon, r. d. 

Betsy. Oh, Miss Philena, in the arms of a vile man ! 
Oh, that I should ever live to see this day! 

Simon. Say, Mr. Lawyer, has she got St. Vitus dance ? 

QUICK CURTAIN. 

ACT III. 

Scene: — Casey Jones' law office. Plain chamber. 
Doors c, l. and r. Table in c. Three chairs. 
Arm chair in l. corner. Office desk in r. corner; 
swivel chair at desk; papers, writing material, etc., 
on desk. Tap bell on table. Law books on table 
and on desk. Parlor screen up c. Hat-tree up l. 
near door. DISCOVERED Dionysius at desk. 

Dion, (examining papers). Bills, bills, and nothing 
but bills, and still they come. One silk dress, $300.00. 
Hang me if I know what to make of my wife— whenever 
I speak of her financial affairs she manages to change 
the subject. I'm beginning to grow suspicious. A wife 
should have no secrets from her husband and we must 
come to an understanding this very day. (Rings bell 
on table). I hate to accuse my wife of deception, but 



A Husband on Salary 35 

her mysterious actions are unaccountable. I must know 
the truth. How am I tg settle these bills if my wife is a 
pauper, and, if she is as wealthy as she claimed to be, 
she cannot manage the enormous property, and having 
a lawyer for her husband it would be an insult to his 
profession and intelligence. The time has come to assert 
my rights. 

ENTER Simon, l. d. 

Simon. Did you ring, sir? 

Dion. Yes. Ask my wife to come here. I wish to 
speak with her. 

Simon. Yes, sir. I may as well tell you now, 111 
have to quit my job here. 

Dion. Indeed, well, what's the trouble now? Are 
7fou not getting enough salary or enough to eat, or are 
you going on the police force? 

Simon. No, sir, I'm going to open a saloon. 

Dion. Well, you may open it, but I'll bet dollars 
to doughnuts that the sheriff will close it. By the way, 
what are you going to open it on ? 

Simon. I'm going to open it on the Fourth of July. 

Dion. I mean with what capital, or rather, whose 
capital, for, of course, you have no money of your own. 

Simon. Yes, sir, I've got capital. I'm an heiress. 

Dion. You're a fool. 

Simon. Well, there's an old saying about a fool for 
luck, but I'm not such a fool as I look. 

Dion. I should hope not. If you were, you wouldn't 
be allowed to be at large. 

Simon. I've won a prize in the lottery. 

Dion. Oh, ho! So you 've been gambling, eh ? That's 
your little game. 

Simon. Yes, sir, if you like to call it gambling. 
Sixty-eight won and I'm an heiress to $5,000. Here's 
the evening paper giving a list of the winning numbers 
and here's my ticket (Shows ticket and paper) with 
the lucky number 68 printed in large figures. 

Dion, (examines ticket and paper). Simon, you're a 
triple-plated idiot. You've been reading this number 
upside down. It is not 68 but 89. 



36 A Husband on Salary 

Simon. Stung again. I was born in the poorhouse 
and I guess I'll die there. There is no use fighting 
against one 's fate. What is to be, will be. 

Dion. Never despair, Simon. You may rise some 
day. 

Simon. If I ever do rise, I'll have to swallow a cake 
of yeast. (Sings) "My Irene was a village Queen, 
the fairest girl 'twas ever seen, when she plays on the 
accordeon. ' ' [EXIT l. d. 

Dion. If the fool killer should ever come this way, 
Simon had betten hide his feeble light under a bushel 
or take to the woods. Now comes the most critical point 
in my professional career. Whether for good or evil, 
time alone will tell. RENTER Philena, d. l., followed 
by Simon, who stands a moment) You may retire, 
Simon. We don't want you. 

Simon (xes to l. d. j I don't know anyone that does 
want me. (Sings) "My Irene was a village queen, 
etc." [EXITl. d. 

Phil. You wish to see me ? 

Dion. Yes, I do. Be seated. (^Philena sits l.J I 
have a proposition to make to you which will be for our 
mutual welfare, as you are aware there should be no 
secrets between husband and wife. 

Phil. Yes, that is an old and a true saying, and 
above all, no deception. 

Dion. And, above all, no deception; my sentiments 
exactly. 

Phil. I also have a secret to impart to you, dear. 

Dion. Good, then we can exchange secrets. My lips 
begin to water in sweet anticipation, my dear. 

Phil. Then wipe your lips and prepare for a sur- 
prise, my love. 

Dion. I shall, darling. In fact, I am prepared, 
sweetest. 

Phil. You cannot imagine what my secret is % 

Dion. Haven't the remotest idea, my love. Perhaps 
you are going to tell me your exact age ? 

Phil. My dear husband, I'm about to make a severe 
trial of your disinterested affection. 



A Husband on Salary 37 

Dion. Wife of my bosom, can you doubt my affection 
for a moment? Proceed with your case. (Sits R.) 

Phil. Well, without beating about the bush, what 
induced you to marry me so suddenly? It wasn't my 
youth, for I am no longer a spring chicken. 

Dion. No, my love. You are not a chicken, you are 
more of a 

Phil. That will do. I know what is passing in your 
mind; you are calling me an old hen. 

Dion. My dear wife, you are not a good mind- 
reader. However, go on, I am anxious to hear your 
secret. 

Phil. Nor did you marry me for my beauty. For 
I am not beautiful. Don't flatter me and tell me that 
I am. 

Dion. I will not flatter you, love. You are not very 
beautiful. I've seen homelier women somewhere, I for- 
get where, in the moving pictures perhaps. But what 
has all this to do with your secret? After all, beauty 
is only skin deep. But proceed, I am anxious to learn 
your secret, my love. 

Phil. In plain words, did you marry me for myself 
or my money? 

Dion. Why, my dear, whatever put such an idea 
into your head? 

Phil. No equivocation, sir. I want a plain answer, — 
yes or no. Did you or did you not marry me for my 
money ? 

Dion. Then, confound it, madam, I did not marry 
you for your money. 

Phil, ("xes to Dionysius, throws Iter arms around Ms 
neck). Oh, husband, you don't know the load you have 
lifted from me. (Hugs Mm) 

Dion. Madam, you don 't know the load you have put 
upon me. Stand off, no love-making during business 
hours. What if a client should suddenly enter ? (Rises) 
And now, my dear, please tell me the cause of your 
hilarity. 

Phil. The cause, generous-hearted man, is that I 
was oppressed with the fear that you might have mar- 



38 A Husband on Salary 

ried me for my money, but now that you assure me yon 
did not I am very happy to think that ours was a mar- 
riage of true love. ' ' Two souls with but a single thought, 
two hearts that beat as one. ' ' I was indeed your real 
affinity. 

Dion. I must confess that I am still in the dark as 
to the nature of your secret. 

Phil. Know then, since you married me for myself 
alone, that I haven't a dollar in the world. 

Dion. What! (Falling into chair r.J Oh, stung! 
stung ! buncoed to a finish. (Jumping up) Madam, do 
you mean to sit calmly there and deliberately tell me 
that you haven't a cent? 

Phil. Such is the fact, my love. 

Dion. Don't call me your love, you old swindler. 
Madam, I shall sue you for obtaining a husband under 
false pretense. It's against the law. 

Phil. Indeed! and what law did you break? 

Dion. None. 

Phil. Oh yes, you did! The law which should be 
above all other laws, the law of moral honesty and hon- 
orable truth. 

Dion. Then all that fabulous wealth that you dis- 
tributed in charity was a fake pure and simple? 

Phil. It was partly imagination. 

Dion. Well, I must give you credit for having 
greater imagination than the elder Dumas when he 
created the treasures of " Monte Cristo." And your 
Rural Free Delivery for the Filipinos and the fund for 
the preservation of the English sparrow was a delusion 
and a snare? 

Phil. That was also a part of my deep-laid scheme. 

Dion. You are quite a schemer. You missed your 
calling ; you ought to have been a bunco steerer. Won 't 
someone kindly put me in cold storage for the rest of 
my natural life? I am not fit to be at large. (Walks 
up and down stage) And now, Madam, one last ques- 
tion and I am done. What on earth induced you to 
concoct such a diabolical scheme to ensnare an innocent 
man into matrimony? 



A Husband on Salary 39 

Phil. I was tired of my dependence and wished to 
change it. 

Dion. Oh, monstrous deception. But, Madam, don't 
imagine I'm going to submit tamely to such an out- 
rage, and if it were not for your niece, Miss Morley ■ 

Phil. She is no relation of mine. I was simply her 
housekeeper. 

Dion. But you called yourself her Aunt. 

Phil. And you called yourself my lover. You are 
as deep in the mud as I am in the mire. We played 
for different stakes; you have lost and I have won. 

Dion. Yes, and a devilish nice game it was. But 
the end is not yet. I'll have my revenge. I'll get a 
divorce. 

Phil. I hardly think so. 

Dion. Why not, pray? 

Phil. Because you could not come into court with 
clean hands; besides, you're too fond of your money, 
and I can live upon less than the law would allow me 
out of your income. 

Dion. By Thunder! but you're a wonderful woman. 
I could almost forgive you for the boldness and origi- 
nality of your scheme. What a fine diplomat you would 
make. But the parting of the ways has come, as the 
Irishman said, "The best way for us to get along to- 
gether is to live apart." 

Phil. Oh, as you please, since we agree to disagree. 
Of course you'll have to give me alimony. But have 
you reflected in what a ridiculous light you will appear 
to your friends, a smart lawyer as you are supposed 
to be, to allow yourself to be trapped into such a 
marriage 

Dion, (aside). Confound it, she's right. I'll be the 
laughing stock of all my friends for making such a 
triple-plated idiot of myself. 

Phil, (rises). Well, I suppose I'd better go and 
pack up. (Starts toward L. dJ 

Dion. Stop ! Don 't be in a hurry ! I.Ve thrust my 
head into the yoke and I must wear it, though it gall 



40 A Husband on Salary 

me. I took you for better or worse and certainly got 
the worst of a bad bargain. In order not to be jeered 
at and sneered at by the world we had better come to a 
mutual and friendly understanding. In the presence 
of strangers let us be on the most friendly terms, but 
in private we can cordially despise each other. Do you 
agree to that bargain? 

Phil, (lauglis, drops handkerchief up stage). I un- 
derstand. In the presence of others we are to be like 
turtle doves; when by ourselves we'll be snapping tur- 
tles. I agree to that, and, believe me, you'll get all 
that's coming to you, Mr. Dionysius Casey Jones, 
attorney-at-law. [EXIT l. d. 

Dion. That woman is a d — d sight smarter than I 
gave her credit for, — what a lawyer she would make ! I 
think I'll take her into partnership. I'll consider that 
proposition seriously. If she can bamboozle others as 
she has me she would be a priceless treasure to any 
law firm. 

RE-ENTER Philena, l. d. 

Phil. I dropped my handkerchief here, you old 
imposter. 

Dion, (points to it). There it is, you old imposter. 

Phil. Thanks, you old alligator. 

Dion. Don't mention it, crocodile. 

Phil. You're a reprobate! 

Dion. Termagant ! Spitfire ! 

Phil. Profligate ! Vampire ! 

Dion. You 're a vixen ! 

Phil. You're a shyster and a lobster. ("ENTER 
Paul, c. d., stands in doorway. Philena sees Paul; to 
Dionysius, sweetly) Shall I see you at tea, my dear? 

Dion (not seeing Paul,). Not by a 

Phil, (aside). Be careful, we have listeners. 

Dion. Oh, certainly, my love. And, my tootsey- 
wootsey, if you can, procure me some angel cake 

Phil. Yes, my darling, you shall have your angel 
cake. (Aside at l. dJ I'll give him dog biscuit. 

Paul (going down c). Pardon me, I wish to speak 
with you alone. 



A Husband on Salary 41 

Dion, (xes to PhilenaJ. My darling wife, I'll have 
to ask you to with 

Phil. Yes, sweetheart. (Aside) Swindler! 

[EXIT L. d. 

Dion. Oh, how she loves me! (Goes c. Aloud to 
PaulJ Ah, who would be a bachelor if he knew the 
blissful harmony of wedded life? 

Paul. I'm glad that somebody is happily married, 
because I am most miserable. Why did you suffer me 
to bind myself to this abject slavery? I am only a 
woman's slavf, despised by my fellow man. I have 
begun to despise myself. What can I do to break these 
chains that bind and gall me? 

Dion. Well, how can I help you? Why did you 
marry her? 

Paul. Strange to relate, I was actuated by a noble 
motive in bringing myself to this state of degradation. 
My father bequeathed to me a sacred; legc.cy, the care 
of a helpless and crippled sister; at his death-bed I 
vowed to devote my life to her. Heaven knows how 
hard I strove to keep my promise, but Fate and the 
cruel world were against me, and I was desperate. Then 
Fate sent Miss Morley across my path. Well, you know 
the rest, I sacrificed myself, my honor, all, for my poor 
sister's sake. 

Dion. Your story is indeed a sad one. Do you know 
what I would do under such circumstances? 

Paul. What? 

Dion. Hang me, if I wouldn't run away, leaving no 
traces of my whereabouts. Drop out of existence, so to 
speak. 

Paul. You forget my poor sister who is depending 
on me. Besides, I cannot leave my wife, — I mean the 
lady whom I married for money. 

Dion. Why can 't you leave her ? 

Paul. Despise me as you may for the fool that I 
am, but I can't leave her, because I love her. 

Dion. What! fallen in love with your own wife? 
Oh, this is a terrible calamity! 



42 A Husband on Salary 

Paul. I know it's presumptuous vanity on my part, 
yet if the heart that gives me life be not a throbbing 
lie, I love her better than life. 

Dion. I understand, you love the proud and haughty 
beauty, but you're too jnuch of a coward to tell her. 
What you need now is for her to reciprocate your love 
and make no secret of it, eh? 

Paul. Yes, that fatal marriage compact made me 
her slave, but not her husband. 

Dion. Yes, slavery days are not a thing of the past. 
My advice to you is to run away, clear out for an in^ 
definite period. Go to Mexico, Jericho, or Eeno, and 
secure a divorce. 

Paul. Divorce ? Never ! 

Dion. Well, then, go up in an airship and forget 
to come down. Do anything, only get away from her. 
I'll take care of your invalid sister. 

Alice (off stage). All right, Simon. 

Dion. Hello! Here comes your wife now and you 
will meet her face to face. 

Paul. I do not wish to meet her now. Is there a 
way for me to reach the street to avoid meeting her at 
present ? 

Dion. Yes, you can reach the street through this 
room. Hurry. (Indicating r. d.J 

Paul. On your honor as a lawyer and a man, say 
nothing about what has passed between us. 

Dion. Not a word, sir. A lawyer never betrays the 
secrets of his clients. (EXIT Paul, r. d.) Well, this 
is a pretty kettle of fish, I must say. And then some 
fools ask, "Is marriage a failure?" I wonder what the 
answer is. 

ENTER Alice, c. d. 

Alice. Ah, Mr. Casey Jones, I am glad to find you 
alone. 

Dion. I like to be alone sometimes. It gives one 
time for serious thought and reflection. 

Alice (takes out pocketbook). I wish to see you on 
business. 



A Husband on Salary 43 

Dion. That's what I'm here for; business first, last 
and all the time. 

Alice. You will oblige me very much if you will 
pay Mr. Vernon, I mean my husband — his salary. 

Dion. His salary? 

Alice. Yes, his salary. Don't you remember our 
marriage compact? 

Dion. Oh yes, of course, I forgot for a moment; but 
I regret to state that there is an obstacle. 

Alice. An obstacle? of what nature, pray? 

Dion. The party of the second part, your husband, 
is disgusted with this matrimonial slavery. He is very 
anxious to sever the chains which bind him and stand 
once more a free man. 

Alice. Am I to understand by all this legal riga- 
marole that he wants a divorce? 

Dion. That's about the size of it, Madam. I have 
discovered that this poor young man is the possessor 
of a heart, and he refuses any longer to be a woman's 
slave. I believe he is desirous of marrying a real woman. 

Alice. A real woman? 

Dion. Yes, a human being, a creature of flesh and 
blood. 

Alice. Thank you, sir, for your compliment, but 
what am I? 

Dion. You are a conundrum, and he is going to give 
you up. You have a "Marble Heart," which refuses 
to melt beneath the rays of an honest love. In marry- 
ing this poor but honest young man you wished to vent 
your spite on the rest of mankind. In plain language 
you cut off your nose to the detriment of your charming 
countenance. 

Alice. Sir, you will please be brief and come to the 
point. 

Dion. Certainly, Madam. Your husband in name 
only, as you style him, wishes to be free that he may 
marry a woman with a heart and soul. 

Alice. I will not allow him to marry another woman, 
never ! never ! Do you understand ? (Paces up and 
down stage) 



44 A Husband on Salary 

Dion. Yes, I would be very dull indeed if I didn't 
grasp your meaning. You express yourself so forcibly. 
But, Madam, are you aware you are playing the game 
of the dog in the manger — you can't eat the hay — and 
you won't let the cow eat it, which is very selfish. 

Alice. Ah! I see! This is a base conspiracy. He 
has bribed you to play this part. How much did he 
pay you for your legal assistance ? Whatever the amount 
was I'll treble it. 

Dion. Madam, I 'm not open to bribery by anyone. I 
only demand the regular legal fee for services rendered. 

Alice (at table). Well, I will never give my con- 
sent to this separation, because — because 

Dion. You don't mean to say that you are really 
in love with this young fellow? 

Alice. I do. I have learned to love him, in spite 
of my pride — in spite of all my resolutions to the con- 
trary, I fell in love with him and now I am ready to 
bear the consequences of my mad folly. 

Dion. Ah-ha! as the poet says, "By pride angels 
have fallen, and love levels all ranks." But it is a ter- 
rible calamity to fall in love with your own husband, 
and what will the world say? 

Alice. I don't care what the world says. It will 
break my heart to part with him now. 

Dion. Oh frailty, thy name is woman. 

Alice. Do you think he would desire this separa- 
tion if he knew my feelings tOAvards him? 

Dion. I fear it would not alter his determination in 
the matter. 

Alice. Then, sir, I only ask you to remain silent on 
the subject while I must suffer the consequences of my 
folly. 

Dion, (xes to c. dJ. You'll excuse me, I have to 
take a turn in the open air to think this matter over. 
I fear that I may have an attack of brain storm as a 
result of your revelation. (At c. d., looking out) Hello! 
Here comes Mr. Paul Vernon now 

Alice. He's coming here, and must I see him? 



A Husband on Salary 45 

Dion. Unless you close your eyes, I can't figure any 
other way in which you can escape. 

Alice. Are you sure he's coming here? 

Dion. Yes, I fear you cannot escape your fate. You 
must straighten out this matrimonial tangle between 
you. I wash my hands of the whole business. 
ENTER Paul, c. d. 

Paul. I trust I have not kept you waiting. 

Alice. Oh, not at all. (Aside) How my heart 
throbs ! 

Dion. fxES to end of table). Now to the business in 
hand, Mr. Vernon. 

Paul. The sooner it is settled the better for all con- 
cerned. 

Dion. Oh certainly, it's purely a business transac- 
tion as far as I am concerned. A lawyer has nothing 
to do with the sentimental side of human nature. People 
marry and separate and marry again and again, as the 
song goes, "It's the same thing over and over again." 
Now to business, please be seated. ^Paul sits l. of 
table, Alice r. of table) Now then, give me your atten- 
tion for a few minutes and look as pleasant as you can 
under the circumstances. (Reading) "Whereas we, 
the undersigned, having become completely disgusted 
with each other's society 

Paul. 'Tis a monstrous falsehood! 

Alice. It's a wicked lie; I never sanctioned such a 
statement. 

Dion. Not in so many words, perhaps, but from the 
coldness existing between you and also your conduct 
since your strange marriage, the inference was a natural 
one on my part. But it's too late now to retract, and 
I do not mind confessing that I took advantage of your 
inexperience to trick you into signing a document of 
whose nature you were entirely ignorant, and nothing 
can undo what you have done. It may prove a whole- 
some lesson to you, and teach you never to put your 
names to a paper until you know its contents. 

Alice. Heartless trickery. 

Paul. Monstrous treachery! 



46 A Husband on Salary 

Dion. All is fair in love and law, business is business, 
and that reminds me I must go and have Mrs. Jones 
sign her name to this document. You can take a final 
and affectionate leave of each other while I am gone, but 
let it be brief. So you will get married for spite, will 
you? (Laughs and EXITS l. d.) 

Paul (r. c. Pause). Alice — I mean, Madam? 

Alice- (coldly). Sir? 

Paul. I perceive you are impatient to terminate this 
painful scene, but may I hope that we shall at least 
part as friends? 

Alice (with forced calmness). Oh, yes. 

Paul. I have but one request to make and that is, 
won't you give me your hand at parting, — is it too much 
to ask you? 

Alice (offers hand). No, no. 

Paul. Farewell, may you be happy in your choice, 
Alice dear. 

Alice. No, no, you shall not marry her. 

Paul. She? Whom? 

Alice. That other woman whom the lawyer told me 
you were going to marry. 

Paul. I am not going to marry any woman. He 
probably meant my invalid sister to whom I have de- 
voted my whole life. 

Alice. Oh Paul, you never told me of a sister. Pray 
forgive my insane jealous fears. I suspect that we have 
been duped by this cunning lawyer. 

Paul. He told me you wished to be free in order 
that you might marry a man of wealth and one in your 
own station in life. 

Alice. A falsehood — a wicked falsehood, manufac- 
tured by the lawyer for some purpose of his own. 

Paul. Then you have no intention of marrying some- 
one else? 

Alice. Why no, that would be polyandry. 
ENTER Dionysius and Philena, l. d. 

Paul (to Dion J. Let me see that document if you 
please. 



A Husband on Salary 47 

Dion. Certainly, here you are. 

Paul (looking at paper). What's this, a blank sheet? 
Is this the marriage contract we signed? 

Dion. The same. If you remember, I warned you 
at the time not to sign any document before reading it. 

Alice. 'Why did you play this infamous trick upon 
us? 

ENTER Simon and Betsy, c. d. 

Dion. I did it all for the best and the end justified 
the means. You can now get married in the good old- 
fashioned way. 

Simon. That's what Betsy and me want to do. 

Dion. Fool! how are you going to support a wife? 

Simon. She's going to support me, because she held 
the lucky number. 

Dion. Didn't I tell you that your lottery number 89 
was no good; you thought it was 68, the winner. 

Betsy. Simon missed the lucky number, and, see 
here, that's not 89 turned upside down, but the winning 
number, 68. Read this, good for $5,000. Simon and 
me are going to start a chicken farm right away. 

Simon. Yes, and in a year we'll be millionaires. 

Dion. Simon, don't count your chickens before 
they're hatched. 

Betsy. No, some of them may turn out to be ducks. 
But we're going to try married life anyhow and see 
if marriage is a failure. 

Paul. Alice, dear, let us make it a double wedding. 

Alice. I am willing, dear Paul, and this time we'll 
marry for love and not for spite. 

Dion. And never again sign any paper until you 
read it. Be sure you're right before you write. 

Simon. A lucky thing for me I can't write at all. 
Ignorance is bliss, eh, Betsy? 

Dion. Mrs. Casey Jones, let's kiss and make up. 
(Embrace) 

CURTAIN. 



NEW PLAYS 



LODGERS TAKEN IN 

A comedy In 3 acts, by Levin C. Tees. 6 male, 4 female characters, also 2 
supernumeraries. 1 interior scene. Time, about 2? hours. Costumes of 
to-day. A husband with a strong case of the " green-eyed monster " taking 
a trip abroad with his wife, places his home in charge of his ne'er-do-well 
nephew. By connivance the valet of the house and the nephew rent the 
rooms to a very mixed class of tenants, whose diversified characters present 
great opportunity for comedy acting. The dialogue is very bright, the ac- 
tion continuous and the situations most laughable. This is adapted from 
the same work upon which William Gillette's famous " All the Comforts of 
Home " is based, with all the comedy parts retained, but the remainder 
brought down for a smaller cast and shorter time. 
PRICE 25 CENTS 

HELD FOR POSTAGE 

A rural farce comedy in 2 acts, by Robert Henry Diehl. 4 male, 3 female 
characters. 1 interior scene, very simple. Time, H hours. Uncle Oliver, 
leading old man, and his wife are of the " Old Homestead " type of Yankee 
farmers. Jerusha the town gossip, the town constable and the selectman, 
contribute the many humorous episodes. The juvenile leads, male and 
female, are both very effective. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

ROSEBROOK FARM 

A rural comedy in 3 acts, by Arolyn Caverly Cutting. 6 male, 9 female 
characters. 1 interior and 1 exterior scene. Time, If hours. Costumes of 
to-day. Old man, Yankee farmer and three good character parts for the 
men. A negro maid, some spinsters and an excellent soubrette part for 
the ladies. Easily staged. A very superior play for amateurs. 
PRICE 25 CENTS 

PETER PIPER'S TROUBLES 

A farcical comedy in 4 acts, by Jos. H. Slater. 5 male, 3 female char- 
acters. Costumes of to-day. 2 interior scenes, both simple. Time, a full 
evening. Peter's troubles are caused largely by his desire to oblige his 
friends, and are of a social, financial and business character. He is em- 
ployed in the law office of two typical unscrupulous pettifoggers, Grubbins 
& Bundy, who endeavor to appropriate Doris Chester's fortune, but in the 
end are foiled by Peter. Betsy, the comedy lead, shares with Peter in the 
fun making, as well as Adolphus Gudgeon, the English dude. Selwyn 
Kilby, a struggling artist, has the juvenile lead and has difficulty in es- 
caping the wiles of the widow, Mrs. Barrington. Easily staged. Sure to 
please. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

FUN IN THE FARM HOUSE 

An entertainment in 1 act, by Eleanor Maud Crane. 11 male, 12 female 
characters, and children. The number of characters may be decreased or 
increased to suit circumstances. One stage setting. Costumes varied. 
This entertainment is presented in a series of tableaux, simply or elabo- 
rately given. Any one or more tableaux may be omitted, or tableaux es- 
pecially suiting specific occasions may be substituted. Music, vocal o* 
instrumental, recitations, etc., may be introduced. Time, 1 hour, or more, 
recording to number of tableaux used. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 



MILITARY PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

M. T. 

BY THE ENEMY'S HAND. 4 Acts; 2 hours 10 4 

EDWARDS, THE SPY. 5 Acts; 2J^ hours 10 4 

PRISONER OF ANDEESONVILLE. 4 Acts; 214 hours.. 10 4 

CAPTAIN" DICK. 3 Acts; 1}4 hours. , : . » 6 

ISABEL, THE PEARL OF CUBA. 4 Acts; 2 hours 3 

LITTLE SAVAGE. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 4 4 

BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. (15 cents.) 5 Acts; 2^ hours 9 3 

BETWEEN TWO FIRES. (1 5 cents.) 3 Acts; 2 hours 8 3 



RURAL PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

MAN FROM MAINE. 5 Acts; 2J4 hours 9 

AMONG THE BERKSHIRES. 3 Acts; 2J4 hours 8 

OAK FARM. 3 Acts; 2J^ hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 

GREAT WINTERSON MINE. 3 Acts; 2 hours . 6 

SQUIRE THOMPKINS' DAUGHTER. 5 Acts; f$4 hours 5 

WHEN A MAN'S SINGLE. 3 Acts; 2 hours '. 4 

FROM PUNKIN RIDGE. (15 cents.) 1 Act; lhour... 6 

LETTER FROM HOME. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 25 minutes 1 



ENTERTAINMENTS 

25 CENTS EACH 

AUNT DINAH'S QUILTING PARTY. 1 Scene 5 11 

BACHELOR MAIDS' REUNION. 1 Scene 2 30 

IN THE FERRY HOUSE. 1 Scene; 1% hours 19 15 

JAPANESE WEDDING. 1 Scene; lhour 3 10 

MATRIMONIAL EXCHANGE. 2 Acts; 2 hours 6 9 

OLD PLANTATION NIGHT. 1 Scene; V/ A hours 4 4 

YE VILLAGE SKEWL OF LONG AGO. 1 Scene. 13 12 

FAMILIAR FACES OF A FUNNY FAMILY 8 11 

JOLLY BACHELORS. Motion Song or Recitation 11 

CHRISTMAS MEDLEY. 30 minutes 15 14 

EASTER TIDINGS. 20 minutes 8 

BUNCH OF ROSES. (15 cents.) 1 Act; V& hours 1 13 

OVER THE GARDEN WALL. (15 cents) 11 8 



FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORP'N, 18 Vesey St., N. Y. 




017 401 422 

COMEDIES AND DRAMAS 

25 CENTS EACH 



3 

6 



BREAKING HIS BONDS. 4 Acts; 2hours 6 

BUTTERNUT'S BRIDE. 3 Acts; 2^ hours , 11 

COLLEGE CHUMS. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Se&fng 9 3 

COUNT OP NO ACCOUNT. 3 Acts; 2^ hours 9 4 

DEACON. 5 Acts; 2J^ hours 8 6 

DELEGATES FROM DENVER. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 3 10 

DOCTOR BY COURTESY. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 5 

E ASTSIDERS, The. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 8 4 

ESCAPED PROM THE LAW. 5 Acts; 2 hours 7 4 

GIRL PROM PORTO RICO. 3 Acts; 2^ hours. 5 3 

GYPSY QUEEN. 4 Acts; 2J^ hours 5 3 

IN THE ABSENCE OP SUSAN. 8 Acts; 1% hours 4 

JAILBIRD. 5 Acts; 2^ hours 6 3 

JOSIAH'S COURTSHLP. 4 Acts; 2 hours 7 4 

MY LADY DARRELL. 4Acts; 2^hours 9 6 

MY UNCLE FROM INDIA. 4 Acts; 2J* hours 13 4 

NEXT DOOR. 3 Acts; 2 hours 5 4 

PHYLLIS'S INHERITANCE. 8 Acts; 2 hours 6 9 

REGULAR FLIRT. 8Acts;2hours 4 4 

ROGUE'S LUCK. 3 Acts; 2 hours 5 3 

SQUIRE'S STRATAGEM. 6 Acts; 2^ hours 6 4 

STEEL KING. 4 Acta; 2% hours 5 3 

WHAT'S NEXT? 8 Acts; 2^ hours 7 4 

WHITE LIE. 4 Acts; 2*$ hour* 4 8 

WESTERN PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

ROCKY FORD. 4 Acts; 2 hours 8 3 

GOLDEN GULCH. 8 Acts; 2^ hours 11 3 

RED ROSETTE. 3Acts;2hours 6 3 

MISS MOSHER OP COLORADO. 4 Acts; 2^ hours,... 5 8 

STUBBORN MOTOR CAR. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 4 

CRAWFORD'S CLAIM. (15 cents.) 8 Acts; %\i hours. 9 3 



I FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORP'N, 18 Vescy Si„ N. Y. 



